So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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