My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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