You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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