i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
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Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
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If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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