I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
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im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
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I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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