he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
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This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
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I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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