Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
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Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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