People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
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I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
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You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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