Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
please don't ironically join a cult
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