dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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