I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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