Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize