So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
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Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
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In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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