Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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