I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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