I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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