Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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