I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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