went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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