my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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