True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
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I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
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Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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