she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
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Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
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Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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