The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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