dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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