so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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