So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize