ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
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no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
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It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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