Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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