you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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