My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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