How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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