I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
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Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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