Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
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It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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