My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
