I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
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He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
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I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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