I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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