I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
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I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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