My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
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On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
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The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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