His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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