Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
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Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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