I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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