im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize