I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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