i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
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He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
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Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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