The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize