Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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