Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the day after is always just damage control
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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