you traded sex for a burrito?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
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i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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