I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
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she told me i tasted like america
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
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Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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