im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
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He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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